Together We Work Making Brokenness Whole and Precious
We all have cracks that can mend and become more precious, just like the bowls.
OK, so my life is not a musical comedy
Have an Honest Conversation About Sex
Guest Blog: Chris Dollard, the Gottman Institute – Marriage Minute
Sex can be one of the most difficult subjects to bring up in a marriage, but sometimes it’s the most important. Within the context of a marriage, resistance to discussing sex could be symptomatic of a larger problem: a lack of safety and intimacy.
This is where the other elements of a solid relationship, like friendship and trust, become crucial.
Sex requires vulnerability and honest communication. For this to work, both partners must feel safe to voice their insecurities, needs, and wants. Safety is built by turning toward each other, listening to one another, and providing affection.
Try to have an honest conversation about your feelings and fears regarding sex as a way to grow closer. Cultivating a safe space to discuss those feelings will help build trust between you both.
You can sign up here to get The Marriage Minute delivered to your inbox every Tuesday and Thursday morning.
The Shadow – Our Darker Side
Guest post – Dan Johnson, lessons4living.com/midlife
The Jungian shadow is composed of the dark and unknown aspects of personality. The shadow is created by the oppositeness of life and the need for choice.
To choose to be one way is to choose not to be another. The shadow is made up of the “unchosen” choices. If, as a child you choose to be tough, then you are not tender and vice versa. In a choice to be an athlete you may give up the options to be a musician or an artist. You learn to either keep your feelings in or to let them out.
Choices are made and direction is given to personality development. The shadow can be viewed as the unlived life resulting from a certain pattern of life choices. Thomas Moore in The Care of the Soul states that, “The person we choose to be, … automatically creates a dark double — the person we choose not to be.”
Robert Louis Stevenson’s story of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde is the symbolic story of a man and his shadow. The shadow refers to everything that has been repressed and embodies all of life that has not been allowed expression. Robert Johnson calls the shadow, “…our psychic twin that follows us like a mirror image.”
Sometimes life choices are not freely made. We are taught as children to be one way and not another and have little choice. Boys may be taught not to cry and girls not to be assertive. Some elements of the shadow can indeed be potentially harmful and do not need to be acted out. Uncontrolled anger, impulsive sexuality, lying, and stealing are shadow potentials that are best kept in the shadow and the socialization process sees that they are. The shadow contains not only the positive of potential life choices “not made” but the negative potential of unbridled acting out.
Most often the shadow comes to be seen as entirely negative and its recognition is resisted. If a person strongly denies the shadow then he may be overly focused on the persona. He may only know himself as persona and this is all that is shown to society.
The “Golden Shadow”
The shadow, however, does hold significant positive features for the personality. Eventually these positive features need integration if the individuation process is to proceed. Robert Johnson says that there is “gold” in the shadow. This gold needs to be mined and brought to the surface.
Murray Stein observes that the shadow represents the repressed in our life. At midlife, he says the shadow or repressed, “…returns and needs to be dealt with in a new way, because the seeds of psychological renewal and of possible future directions for life lie hidden within it.” Regarding the return of the repressed Stein writes, “When the unconscious erupts at midlife, what first comes most strongly to the fore are rejected pieces of personality that were left undeveloped and cast aside sometime in the past, for one reason or another, in the rapid movement forward of personal history. Life still clings strongly to them. And actually the seeds of the future lie in these neglected figures, which now return and call for restoration and attention.” There is much positive that can be gained from the shadow, but there is much resistance.
Robert Johnson observes that people resist the more noble aspects of their shadow more strenuously than the dark sides. He says that, “The gold is related to our higher calling and this can be hard to accept at certain stages of life.” While still concerned with ego differentiation and type development we may not want to hear of the challenge of a higher calling.
Johnson reminds us that ” to own one’s shadow is whole making.” He also tells us, “No one can be anything but a partial being, ravaged by doubt and loneliness, unless he has close contact with his shadow. The shadow consists of those aspects of your character that belong to you but that have not been given any conscious place in your life. … Assimilating one’s shadow is the art of catching up on those facets of life that have not been lived out adequately.”
be dealt with in a new way, because the seeds of psychological renewal and of possible future directions for life lie hidden within it.” Regarding the return of the repressed Stein writes, “When the unconscious erupts at midlife, what first comes most strongly to the fore are rejected pieces of personality that were left undeveloped and cast aside sometime in the past, for one reason or another, in the rapid movement forward of personal history. Life still clings strongly to them. And actually the seeds of the future lie in these neglected figures, which now return and call for restoration and attention.” There is much positive that can be gained from the shadow, but there is much resistance.
Robert Johnson observes that people resist the more noble aspects of their shadow more strenuously than the dark sides. He says that, “The gold is related to our higher calling and this can be hard to accept at certain stages of life.” While still concerned with ego differentiation and type development we may not want to hear of the challenge of a higher calling.
Johnson reminds us that ” to own one’s shadow is whole making.” He also tells us, “No one can be anything but a partial being, ravaged by doubt and loneliness, unless he has close contact with his shadow. The shadow consists of those aspects of your character that belong to you but that have not been given any conscious place in your life. … Assimilating one’s shadow is the art of catching up on those facets of life that have not been lived out adequately.”
Lessons For Living
An “awakening” is a moment of clarity in which a new insight or understanding is gained. With this new awareness the experience of life is seen differently, and new possibilities are opened. Changes in patterns of thought, emotions, and behavior occur. An awakening allows the possibility of growth to new levels of psychological and spiritual maturity.
The picture to the left represents such an awakening. It was taken on a day that started sunny but soon turned to rain. During the bus ride from Salisbury to Stonehenge there was a downpour. I grumbled to myself and my wife about how the rain would ruin this long awaited trip. As I walked around Stonehenge in the cold and wet mist, I was still disappointed with the day. Suddenly, the rain stopped and the sun momentarily broke through the clouds. For a few brief minutes the rainbow appeared.
This rainy day and, especially, this moment became the highlight of my two week trip to England. It also opened me to a new attitude. Without the rain I would not have found that rainbow. Grumbling about your present reality does not help. You must be open to every moment. You never know what it will bring.
Awakening opportunities are presented on these pages as “Lessons for Living.” These lessons from the Lessons For Living website by Dan Johnson focus on:
- Choosing your attitude:
Do you want to be bitter or better? - The Cycle of Change and the predictable process it follows.
- The Enneagram: Finding the “Hidden Self.”
- The Labyrinth – Walking a spiritual path.
- Labyrinth Stereogram: Can you find the hidden 3D labyrinth?
- Lessons for Living – Lectures on life.
- Midlife Metamorphosis: How midlife is taking you towards wholeness.
- Mind Storms: Don’t get blown away.
- “Sadder than Sad.” Understanding depression
- Sidewalk of Life. Watch out for the holes.
- Stereograms – Pictures that teach.
- Stress and how to “undo” what it does to you.
- “Wheel of Life 1”: The emotions of change.
- “Wheel of Life 2”: The spiritual journey to your center.
Name it, Claim it Change it. 3 Steps for Understanding and Managing Anxiety
Anxiety is our body’s way of getting our attention
- Name it: Anxiety?
“Just a little bit nervous” she said, holding about an inch of space between her thumb and index finger. “just not sleeping as well as I used to do. I used to be able to put my head on the pillow and have a great night sleep, but now… it’s not like that anymore. I wish it was. I have trouble concentrating, and sometimes can’t seem to control my anger. Every once in a while I find myself drinking a little more than I want, just so I can get a few hours of sleep without my thoughts racing around like little hamsters in a cage.”
Anxious symptoms can range from a little bit jumpy to unaccountable feelings of panic or terror. Sometimes there are good reasons to feel anxious – getting ready for a wedding, or preparing for an exam, or being chased by a bear. But if the symptoms last for too long and extend and interfere into other areas of your life, your good stress may now have a new name and can become a problem.
Many American’s struggle with symptoms of anxiety which can take 5-7 years to diagnose and treat, for they often can sneak up and manifest in headaches, stomach and gastrointestinal, TMJ and other physical symptoms. Often too substance abuse or addiction problems arise for by surprise when the methods used to just try and, cope with day to day living at a fast and sometimes overwhelming pace. The problems can arise when the solution itself no longer is a solution, but a problem itself.
Claim it:
Admit that there are times when the feelings you are having are anxious feelings. These can be: racing heart, pressure in the chest, agitated movements, trouble breathing and more. Try accept the feelings you are having, (see below under “Change it” ). Remember:. “what you resist persists”
If you think, “I can’t be anxious – my mother (father, brother, other) were always the anxious ones. I was the one everyone always came to. I’m the person who has always been the rock. How can this be happening to me?” you may be denying the reality of your current circumstances.
Too much stress, for too long, can lead to a phenomenon of an empty emotional gas tank.
Understanding that anxiety is “not just in your head” can help. When one experiences anxious symptoms they may have a sensation that their life is at imminent risk. even when it is not. The message of perceived risk is sent to the brain and adrenaline is then dumped into the nervous system (fight, flight or freeze) to support it taking measures of survival
Change it:
Anxiety is your body’s way of getting your attention. – Take a minute to turn off the phone, computer, music – and listen to what your body needs. Treat yourself like a beloved pet. Listen to your needs and make the time to meet them.
Get good sleep and exercise. Know your sleep and exercise needs
Drink enough water. In San Diego, we live in a semi-desert environment and need to stay hydrated. I have spoken to many people who have experienced panic attacks because of too little water, food or rest. Take care of your body and it will take care of you.
Build a strong support system. If family isn’t close find one of many excellent support groups in the community.
Drink caffeine early in the day and in moderation and monitor the quantity
Be aware of the impact of recreational substances. Something that chemically relaxes you (like alcohol), is a depressant, and depressants and depression can increase anxious feelings.
Increase your exercise – cross training can help
Make a gratitude list
Breathe. Here is a simple breathing technique I have been teaching to my clients for several years, it is called “4 part breathing”. Clients consistently report a decrease in anxious symptoms, including panic.
Draw a square, it should be the same size on each side and top:
Other resources to help you if anxiety is interfering in your daily sense of well-being:
Insight Timer APP has a playlist of guided meditations
BREATHE2RELAX APP, helps manage breathing to cope with anxious feelings and reduce the risk of hyperventilation. If you hyperventilate, carry brown bags with you to blow into.
www.ADAA.org, Anxiety and Depression Association of America (Anxiety and Depression are often linked)
Multiple videos on YouTube by leaders in Anxiety treatment:
Steven Hayes teaches on managing anxiety with meditation and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Meditation is being proven to help with anxiety. Meditation is not affiliated with any religion.
Try tapping (a form of EMDR): www.tapping.com has video instructions, this is a simple physical technique coupled with re-writing mental messages
Watch funny movies with friends
Go for a walk or run on the beach
Play with a kitten, puppy or baby
Make a gift for someone special
Journal or draw
Lovemaking
Volunteer
Take a class
Make a list of the things you like to do that make you feel good, and then start doing them
Most important, talk to your doctor and make sure that there is not a physical cause for your anxious feelings.
Laara Israhel, LMFT is a licensed clinician and works with individuals, couples and families. She is a faith and mindfulness based practitioner working to help find balance between the body and the mind.
Eliminate Suicide as an Option, Suicide hurts
Contrary to the TV show Mash’s theme song, suicide is not painless. It cuts a wide swath of trauma, pain and a lifetime of grief in the lives of the victim’s family, friends, co-workers and the community. And there are no take backs.
Suicide, What to do? Keep the person safe
*If someone tells you they want to die or are thinking of killing themselves. Take them seriously. Stop what you are doing; nothing is more important than this person in this moment. ! Here are some questions which can be helpful to ask:
*Have you ever tried to commit suicide before?
*Has anyone in your family attempted suicide?
*Find out what are you thinking and planning.
*When are you thinking of executing the plan?
*Find out if they do have access to a lethal method for following through with a plan
*Call 9-11 or get them to the nearest emergency room as quickly as possible.
*Stay with them, do not leave them alone.
*Put away all leave lethal means. For example: Guns, knives, razor blades, household poisons, unlocked cars, prescription pain medications or sedatives, Tylenol or the generic form of Tylenol. And more, research on the web is extensive and helpful.
It is imperative to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. If someone is talking about suicide – it is serious. It may be for attention – it is because they NEED attention. If you can’t give it, get them to someone who can.
If you, or someone you love is contemplating suicide as a solution to life problems – please seek help.
If suicidal thoughts occur more when under the influence of drugs (prescribed or not) and/or alcohol seek substance abuse treatment. It can make a huge difference. I have seen it in many, many lives.
Teens and suicide:
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among youths aged 15-24.
Young people attempt suicide at an alarmingly high rate: among 15-24 year olds, there is one suicide for every 100-200 attempts.
Suicide is the sixth leading cause of death among youths aged 5-14.
A youth suicide (aged 15-24) occurs every 100 minutes.
Young people can become emotionally distraught rather easily and thus are vulnerable to suicidal thoughts.
It is thus important for parents to try and pick up on any possible warning signs for suicide and to seek help for the suicidal youth as quickly as possible. (Please peruse the suicide warning signs page on this website to learn more about what to look for).
Listed below are a few of the problems that can potentially trigger suicidal thoughts in a young person:
- Death of a parent.
- Divorce of parents.
- Feeling like a “pawn” that is being used between feuding, divorced parents.
- Joining a new family with a step-parent and step-siblings.
- Breaking up with a boyfriend / girlfriend.
- Moving to a new community.
- Not feeling accepted by peers.
- Being ridiculed by classmates.
- Feeling misunderstood.
- Any experience perceived to be “humiliating.”
- Alcohol abuse.
- Drug abuse.
- Being bullied by classmates.
Note: Bullying is an extremely serious problem. Please click below for additonal information:
Where to reach out:
2-1-1
9-1-1
National Suicide Hotline – 24/7, live chat à 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Center à 800-273-8255
San Diego Crisis line à888-724-7240
Training to help more: www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org
To help educate your community about teen suicide and teen suicide prevention:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: www.AFSP.org
If you are a survivor of suicide, there is help for you as well. AFSP and your local Crisis Center generally have support groups for suicide survivors. If you are unable to obtain help on your own, seek professional help.
Effective Resources – The 10 Essentials
ˈrēˌsôrs,rəˈsôrs/
noun
plural noun: resources
1. a stock or supply of money, materials, staff, and other assets that can be drawn on by a person or organization in order to function effectively.
ef•fec•tive•ly
əˈfektəvlē/
adverb
1. in such a manner as to achieve a desired result. “make sure that resources are used effectively”
If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there. Lewis Carroll
Needing something and knowing what you need can be two very different things. In a book this phenomena is often called a mystery and we read it avidly and for entertainment. In a movie watching the tension and conflict our heroine or hero face can be both puzzling and interesting when part of the audience. But in day to day living and it is you, there can be times when it is neither particularly enthralling nor interesting. It can be downright confusing and frustrating.
Having resources is important, especially before you really need them.
I think of the ten essentials (From the Mountaineers) to keep in your backpack when you go for a hike – even a little dayhike and how these correlate to day to day living. Essential Systems
1. Navigation (map & compass) → Know where you are and where you are going Trust your gut, it is the best compass any of us have.
2. Sun protection (sunglasses & sunscreen) → Boundaries are important, protect yourself. Know when to say yes and when to say “NO”.
3. Insulation (extra clothing) → Protect yourself. Know how to take care of yourself in all settings, intimate, work and social settings. The winds can change even if the day starts out sunny. This isn’t being negative. It is just being realistic.
4. Illumination (headlamp/flashlight) → Think positively, no matter what you are experiencing, this too shall pass, even if sometimes we want to hold on to it forever or we want to have it disappear from sight.
5. First-aid supplies → Be prepared. What might you need when you are visiting with friends or family.
6. Fire (waterproof matches/lighter/candle)
7. Repair kit and tools →If something is broken, do you know what you need to do to fix it? If you don’t do you know someone that does, or a way to find that information.
8. Nutrition (extra food), what feeds your heart and soul? Is it art? Music, walks in nature, beach volleyball or the firing range. Knowing what your source is, is essential for well-being.
9. Hydration (extra water), Make sure your real thirsts are quenched. In today’s cyberworld everything comes at us so quickly it is hard to take a minute and determine what we really are needing. If we are craving something that may be a sign of avoidance, not need. When your real need is met (rest? Friends, a real meal, bill paying, fun, going to a museum… make your list of what really quenches your thirst. Carry it with you in special place in your pocket or wallet)
10. Emergency shelter (tent/plastic tube tent/garbage bag). Know that no matter what you will always have a place that is safe and warm. We all need to be loved.
Suicide: If someone tells you they want to die or are thinking of killing themselves. Take them seriously. Stop what you are doing, nothing is more important than this person in this moment. Find out what they are thinking and planning. Find out if they have access to following through with a plan and get them to the emergency room as soon as possible. Do not leave them alone and do not leave lethal means in easy access. As part of the ten essentials it is imperative to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. If someone is doing or saying it for attention – it is because they NEED attention. If you can’t give it, get them to someone who can.
